Are you tired of people constantly congratulating you, or celebrating your achievements? Well I know for a long time I was. “Fantastic work on that MXI presentation,” they’d say. “Your analytical graphics were exceptional.” Ugh. It makes me sick just thinking about it. Luckily, I took action. Tired of being relied upon and revered by my peers, I took on the task of creating a full-proof plan, to squander my own potential.
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1. “Stop Trying”
You’d be surprised by how much your success is dependent on how hard you work for it. If I noticed one thing around the office, it’s that the people who were perpetually on time, and always willing to complete the tasks they were given, created a positive perception of themselves to their managers. Heck, I’m even guilty of it myself. Don’t let drive and aspirations stand between you and a pile of failed regret.
I know what you’re thinking? “Stop trying? That’s got to be easier said than done,” but honestly, it isn’t. Society leads you to believe that nothing in life is free, and that as our forefathers did before us, so should we strive for the things we desire. This is only partially true. Your forefathers DID work very hard, but THEY are also dead now. You’re not. Don’t end up like them.
My Helpful Motto: “Trying” is NOT like a cough. You can always turn it off.
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2. “Take On More Than You Can Handle”
This will probably be the hardest task for you to wrap your head around, but once you do, it could change your life. If anyone comes to give you a task, immediately accept. Don’t waste time listening to them explain all of the minute details regarding what they want completed, because that isn’t important. Make sure to convey to them your ability to perform these functions and duties accurately and efficiently. Seek out co-workers who may feel overwhelmed themselves, and offer to relieve some of their load. Again I must stress, that their trust in you is pivotal.
Now, here you are, your desk, or office cluttered with responsibility. Congratulations, your work here is done. I recommend bringing a book, or magazine, so that way the image of you ignoring not only your own responsibilities, but the responsibilities of others as well has more impact. Verve for your own negligence is incredibly important, but also make sure no one attempts to remove any tasks from your cue.
My Helpful Motto: Your desk is full, what should you do?! Why nothing at all. Relax. Eat Glue!
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3. “Learn New Skills That Won’t Help Your Current Situation”
Couldn’t help but notice that your resume is filled to the brim with tons of computing knowledge. You’re PC & Mac savvy, and you use Microsoft Excel almost daily. That’s very impressive, and I’m sure it comes in handy where you’re at. But have you ever thought about learning the guitar? They say there’s no better time than the present, so I’d recommend getting into it right away. Spend money, you don’t have to acquire a guitar. If you can also not afford an instructor, I’d also advise doing that. Make sure to ask if the instructor is able to meet you at your place of employment. The executive office is probably the ideal practice spot. If this room is unavailable, any public work space will also do.
The guitar isn’t the only thing you can focus on. I, myself, decided that since I spent so much time around paper and documents, I would have simple access to origami resources. Also it makes it very difficult for co-workers to find their own missing documents. Seven swans, and one chimpanzee later, I was well on my way to origamic mastery. Find out what works for you, and no one else.
My Helpful Motto: Skills are great to have and use. Especially if, it’s shining shoes.
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4. Sick Days
Your average flu symptoms last approximately 4 to 7 days. Better stay home for 10, just to make sure your boss doesn’t suspect that you are ACTUALLY sick.
My Helpful Motto: If a co-worker brings you soup. Ask them to get off your stoop.
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5. NEVER Follow Anything Through
This suggestion is merely an extension of what you learned in 1 and 2. Essentially, should you happen upon an assignment or responsibility don’t be afraid to start work on it, but under no circumstances should you complete it. It may seem tempting, especially if you’re merely starting your slow transition into slacktitude, so be very careful regarding this concept. I might recommend leaving notes for yourself on your computer or desk. “Don’t finish”, “Stop at 75% completion”, and “Put aside” all work remarkably well. I also found it helpful to set an alarm. When the alarm goes off halt your work. Little reminders during the course of the day, are the best way to keep yourself from working any where close to your potential. Tread lightly, else you might succeed.
My Helpful Mott: If the work looks legit, you must uh quit.
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By now, you should be well on your way to becoming the office slacker, or better yet, unemployed! No longer, will you have to listen to the barking of genuine congratulations or the horrid applaud at your success. In a glorious turn-around you’ve gone from reliable and trustworthy, to unbearable and disliked. And you’ve accomplished all of this WITHOUT the aid of drugs (although, I completely condone the supplementation of drugs to any of the above steps). Don’t worry, I won’t congratulate you.
Slow your life to a crawl, but don’t relax, because many have been known to relapse back into a strong work-ethic. Keep out of efficient circles, make friends with vagabonds, and don’t call your loved ones back. You’ll find all of this easier than you might think if you approach with an unmotivated, “meh”ntality. Good luck. You’ll need it.
[If you or anyone you know suffers from a strong worth-ethic and generally enjoyable life, please DO NOT send this to them. It’ll be far too much work. Let’m find it themselves.]
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The Drago Effect - The Most Trustworthy Site On The Interweb 
Absolutley superb, I will your example and try to become a more efficeint person by becoming less efficeint