Mailevolence.

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We take a lot of things for granted. Like food, water, shelter, art, this blog, the internet, our loved ones (there’s plenty of fish in the sea), etc. The list is endless. There is one entity, as unobtrusive as they may be, that we would be wise to appreciate. That is, if we know what’s good for us.

I’ll just go ahead and say it. Your mail carrier. That’s right. Your letter toting, frequently stopping, ill-designed-golf-cart driving mail carrier. You know, the one that is stopped on the side of an empty 35 mph residential street that ruins your experiment to see how fast your car goes. The one that is irrationally afraid of your Doberman named Pickles (He’s such a sweet little thing.) You know, the one that can never stay for tea. Yes, this unsocial, dog-hating, opponent of science must be revered, for they have more power than you can imagine. Continue reading

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Your Backyard Battlefield… and YOU!

PunchSquirrel

Face it. There’s nothing more embarrassing than losing a fist fight with a woodland creature. Given, especially, that most of them can barely make a fist, no amount of consoling could ever help you forget the shame of that time the white tailed antelope squirrel from your neighbor’s yard got the better of you.

As you may or may not be aware I’ve written several books on the topic of “backyard defense” including: Not In MY… Compost Heap: Your Guide To Destroying A Critter Litter, Not In MY… Fire Pit: How To Set Your Home Defense Ablaze, Not In MY… Tool Shed: Hammering Home The Basics of Extending Your Yard’s Frontlines, and Toodles The Not So Certain Seal. But in this article I’ll be sharing some simple tips, free of charge, for fortifying the war zone behind your home.

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An Author’s Broken Heart…

BrokenHeart

I understand that the subject of this piece may sound bitter, and off-putting, and I assure you, that is intentional. Why do I seem to be so heart broken? The weather is nice outside. It’s Friday! Well, please allow me to tell you why I’m so upset, through the power of Grammy Award Nominated* Album cover art!

[*Note: For the sake of ease, I’ll be focusing only on winners, because lists of the winners are much easier to find.]

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Yes, I am afraid of public bathrooms, and I’m sorry.

Most people don’t really think about public bathrooms as the worst place on earth; most people are idiots. I have never been in a men’s bathroom where there wasn’t a puddle, regardless of size, of urine in front of the urinals – due to drips and back-splash. Now you have to realize that the puddle is the least of your worries, because you can see the puddle. What you can’t see is the puddle off-spray, that urine that has soaked in nice and cozy to the tile floor; so, that after you shake and prepare to move your foot, you’re greeted by that familiar sound of a Velcro like attachment your foot has to the urine soaked floor – imagine it like black ice, impossible to see and dangerous enough to kill or maim.

Now if the urinal isn’t a sensor flush, I won’t flush, I won’t even use my foot to kick flush. And neither should you. What I fear the most is that once I reach the apex of my kick, the momentum of my high flung leg and the combination of the slippery, urine soaked floor will bring me toppling to the floor; once again, enjoying the black ice.

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