Your Backyard Battlefield… and YOU!


Face it. There’s nothing more embarrassing than losing a fist fight with a woodland creature. Given, especially, that most of them can barely make a fist, no amount of consoling could ever help you forget the shame of that time the white tailed antelope squirrel from your neighbor’s yard got the better of you.

As you may or may not be aware I’ve written several books on the topic of “backyard defense” including: Not In MY… Compost Heap: Your Guide To Destroying A Critter Litter, Not In MY… Fire Pit: How To Set Your Home Defense Ablaze, Not In MY… Tool Shed: Hammering Home The Basics of Extending Your Yard’s Frontlines, and Toodles The Not So Certain Seal. But in this article I’ll be sharing some simple tips, free of charge, for fortifying the war zone behind your home.

Tip 1. RAW is War

Not a living thing in sight

Not a living thing in sight

When was the last time you really examined your backyard? Ten? Twenty months? For seven years I painstakingly scrutinized every bit of foliage in my 800 sq ft lot. It was a brutal effort but one that assured me freedom from rodent intruders. Despite its effectiveness, I knew there had to be a better way.

Thus I looked into what at the time was known as “planned-scaping” which is to say, the full replacement of your natural lawn with synthetic materials. As it turns out 17 weeks and 98,000 dollars was all it would take to keep rodents and the like from nesting in my rose (silicone) bushes ever again.

Tip 2. Neighborhood Watch

Your second tip, builds on the first. Unfortunately, though your own property may be well fortified, there’s no way to prevent a four-legged cretin from marching upon your land via your neighbor’s lawn. Thus I suggest forming a neighborhood watch. What this is, is a schedule for yourself to observe and record the movements of those living (furred backed and not) in the areas which surround you. Let your paranoia get the better of you here and remember that, when in doubt, a little self-alienation goes a long way.

If you feel like you need some help be sure to try my patented “Neighbor HoodWatch.” A certified time piece/hooded sweatshirt that’ll keep you warm and observant on those cold lonely stake-outs. Available now at the Not In MY… Official Store!

On Sale Now! (Watch Sold Separately)

On Sale Now! (Watch Sold Separately)

Tip 3. Parting Words (Of Encouragement)

It is as God said to his discipline Menelaus, “Know thine own environment. And to thine own environment be true.” On this, and only this, do God and I agree. He and I had quite a falling out after taking my first wife and then, only months later, the use of my right foot. Needless to say we no longer speak, but ANYWAY! You have to know your battleground lest you find yourself ravaged by tiny paws in the night. Stay alert and remember that though they may seem adorable on the outside they’re still- What’s that?!

…. they’re here!


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