Mailevolence.

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We take a lot of things for granted. Like food, water, shelter, art, this blog, the internet, our loved ones (there’s plenty of fish in the sea), etc. The list is endless. There is one entity, as unobtrusive as they may be, that we would be wise to appreciate. That is, if we know what’s good for us.

I’ll just go ahead and say it. Your mail carrier. That’s right. Your letter toting, frequently stopping, ill-designed-golf-cart driving mail carrier. You know, the one that is stopped on the side of an empty 35 mph residential street that ruins your experiment to see how fast your car goes. The one that is irrationally afraid of your Doberman named Pickles (He’s such a sweet little thing.) You know, the one that can never stay for tea. Yes, this unsocial, dog-hating, opponent of science must be revered, for they have more power than you can imagine.

Aww... sweet little Pickles. Isn't she cute?

Aww... sweet little Pickles. Isn't she cute?

Allow me to give you a little inkling of the havoc that could be potentially wreaked if they so chose. Let’s say, purely hypothetically, that you order a tiny, minuscule, completely harmless pinch of anthrax from your local, well-established, foreign arms dealer. Did you know that your mail carrier can just decide NOT to deliver it to you? Even though you may have paid for half of it upfront in cash? Even more shockingly, did you know that these glorified carrier pigeons can legally just disclose information about your whereabouts and purchasing habits all willy-nilly? Perhaps forcing you to flee your home in the middle of the night when the emergency sensors are tripped by the police? Then where would you be? Is Alonzo going to give your money back? Heck no! He stands by a pure no-refund business philosophy and you’re stuck in a public library writing a blog post about how you shouldn’t have smashed your car into Frank’s mail-truck, let Pickles anywhere near Frank, or put sodium pentothal in his tea.

So, let’s all make a resolution right now to be nicer to our package-bearing friends. A resolution to never take them for granted. To never snicker or sneer condescendingly as we fly past them on the road. To always say hello when we see them toiling away with a particularly heavy package. To even tell them that they are doing a good job when we see them toiling away with a particularly heavy package. Just whatever you do, don’t tell them where you live.

Oh Frank, You'll be sorely missed.

Oh Frank, You'll be sorely missed.

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