We take a lot of things for granted. Like food, water, shelter, art, this blog, the internet, our loved ones (there’s plenty of fish in the sea), etc. The list is endless. There is one entity, as unobtrusive as they may be, that we would be wise to appreciate. That is, if we know what’s good for us.

I’ll just go ahead and say it. Your mail carrier. That’s right. Your letter toting, frequently stopping, ill-designed-golf-cart driving mail carrier. You know, the one that is stopped on the side of an empty 35 mph residential street that ruins your experiment to see how fast your car goes. The one that is irrationally afraid of your Doberman named Pickles (He’s such a sweet little thing.) You know, the one that can never stay for tea. Yes, this unsocial, dog-hating, opponent of science must be revered, for they have more power than you can imagine.

Aww... sweet little Pickles. Isn't she cute?

Allow me to give you a little inkling of the havoc that could be potentially wreaked if they so chose. Let’s say, purely hypothetically, that you order a tiny, minuscule, completely harmless pinch of anthrax from your local, well-established, foreign arms dealer. Did you know that your mail carrier can just decide NOT to deliver it to you? Even though you may have paid for half of it upfront in cash? Even more shockingly, did you know that these glorified carrier pigeons can legally just disclose information about your whereabouts and purchasing habits all willy-nilly? Perhaps forcing you to flee your home in the middle of the night when the emergency sensors are tripped by the police? Then where would you be? Is Alonzo going to give your money back? Heck no! He stands by a pure no-refund business philosophy and you’re stuck in a public library writing a blog post about how you shouldn’t have smashed your car into Frank’s mail-truck, let Pickles anywhere near Frank, or put sodium pentothal in his tea.

So, let’s all make a resolution right now to be nicer to our package-bearing friends. A resolution to never take them for granted. To never snicker or sneer condescendingly as we fly past them on the road. To always say hello when we see them toiling away with a particularly heavy package. To even tell them that they are doing a good job when we see them toiling away with a particularly heavy package. Just whatever you do, don’t tell them where you live.

Oh Frank, You'll be sorely missed.

Everything you wanted to know about the foods you know nothing about, but were too hungry to ask!
Reader beware, some of these facts – heavily researched and verified by Drago fact-checkers (unpaid, non-union interns) - may be hard to swallow!

Croutons

A crouton is a “small piece of sautéed or rebaked bread, often cubed and seasoned, used to add texture and flavour to salads”. Croutons are perhaps one of, if not the least respected garnish in the history of cusine. The lowest of the low, the crouton, examined in a hierarchical context, only but barely surpasses the crumb. If a crumb is the  peasant of condiments, surely the crouton is nothing but a serf. This is largely confirmed in the fact that croutons by law cannot hold property deeds.  Arguably, this serves more as a commentary on the state of property law, rather than the merits of this delicious salad ornament.

Parsnip

A parsnip and his man.

Parsnip! Parsnip! We all want Parsnip! The food of kings and men of artillery.

Parnsnips cannot be found in Arica, but do not tell this to the Africans.

Parsnips are often described as “carrots with jaundice”. This is ironic, given that jaundice was once thought to be inedible.

Sour Cream

Miserable by name, delicious by nature, sour cream was the reason for the invention of plastic. The term “sour cream” evolved from the misuse of curdled milk, a “sour scheme”.

Viva la revolucion!

Sour cream comprises 93% of the Eastern European diet and is also the lead cause of 94% of all Eastern European malnutrition related deaths. The South American “crema” is the latin equivalent and can be heard chanted from the streets during times of political unrest. Finally, sour cream containers have become the primary form of tupperware as preferred by 4 out of 5 East Indian households.

Melba Toast

Unlike the other foods on this list, melba toast has a quite uninteresting origin story. Created by a chef as an easily digestible food for an ailing opera singer with the stage name “Melba”, only the very old and sick now eat melba toast. So goes the saying “eat melba toast and die”. A very uninteresting story, but in one reporter’s opinion, so fascinating.

Corn

Referred to within academic circles as “maize”, a layman might ask: did the natives eat corn? A learned man would answer no; they built longhouses and developed tools for harvesting maize. Corn is commonly acknowledged as extremely important in global crop production and output, although no one actually knows why.

Waterworld!

Cornfields are highly supernatural, and are often the site of alien communications, crop circle sightings, and filming of the hit television series, “Supernatural”. They are the place where scarecrows mostly come to life, and also, where scarecrows come to die. Hollywood actor Kevin Costner once purchased a cornfield on a bad tip.

Raisins

Raisins are the oldest food in the world, or at least they look like it. During the 1980s a group of four young raisins came to life and took the R&B world by storm before tragically succumbing to drug addiction and moisture.

A raisin in the sun is worth two in the shade.

Pictured: California Raisin and fan.

Face it. There’s nothing more embarrassing than losing a fist fight with a woodland creature. Given, especially, that most of them can barely make a fist, no amount of consoling could ever help you forget the shame of that time the white tailed antelope squirrel from your neighbor’s yard got the better of you.

As you may or may not be aware I’ve written several books on the topic of “backyard defense” including: Not In MY… Compost Heap: Your Guide To Destroying A Critter Litter, Not In MY… Fire Pit: How To Set Your Home Defense Ablaze, Not In MY… Tool Shed: Hammering Home The Basics of Extending Your Yard’s Frontlines, and Toodles The Not So Certain Seal. But in this article I’ll be sharing some simple tips, free of charge, for fortifying the war zone behind your home.

Tip 1. RAW is War

Not a living thing in sight

When was the last time you really examined your backyard? Ten? Twenty months? For seven years I painstakingly scrutinized every bit of foliage in my 800 sq ft lot. It was a brutal effort but one that assured me freedom from rodent intruders. Despite its effectiveness, I knew there had to be a better way.

Thus I looked into what at the time was known as “planned-scaping” which is to say, the full replacement of your natural lawn with synthetic materials. As it turns out 17 weeks and 98,000 dollars was all it would take to keep rodents and the like from nesting in my rose (silicone) bushes ever again.

Tip 2. Neighborhood Watch

Your second tip, builds on the first. Unfortunately, though your own property may be well fortified, there’s no way to prevent a four-legged cretin from marching upon your land via your neighbor’s lawn. Thus I suggest forming a neighborhood watch. What this is, is a schedule for yourself to observe and record the movements of those living (furred backed and not) in the areas which surround you. Let your paranoia get the better of you here and remember that, when in doubt, a little self-alienation goes a long way.

If you feel like you need some help be sure to try my patented “Neighbor HoodWatch.” A certified time piece/hooded sweatshirt that’ll keep you warm and observant on those cold lonely stake-outs. Available now at the Not In MY… Official Store!

On Sale Now! (Watch Sold Separately)

Tip 3. Parting Words (Of Encouragement)

It is as God said to his discipline Menelaus, “Know thine own environment. And to thine own environment be true.” On this, and only this, do God and I agree. He and I had quite a falling out after taking my first wife and then, only months later, the use of my right foot. Needless to say we no longer speak, but ANYWAY! You have to know your battleground lest you find yourself ravaged by tiny paws in the night. Stay alert and remember that though they may seem adorable on the outside they’re still- What’s that?!

…. they’re here!

Congratulations everyone! The termite problem that has plagued our offices for the passed year and a half is finally gone. This means we can get back to work as usual.  We really appreciate you sticking it out with us.  Unfortunately, our email server went down around August, and so we weren’t able to reply to or even read, what was no doubt a cavalcade of emails wondering what had happened.

In this industry (the internet) things happen so fast, and believe us when we say that if we had known we were going to get a termite infestation, we would have told you.  Regardless, it happened, it’s behind us and we’re ready to start anew!

We’ve had a number of projects in the pipeline, hoping to make a big spash upon our return, so you’ll find that over the course of the next couple weeks some big and exciting things will be premiered right here on the site. Without spoiling anything, let me just say that Drago is going two-point-oh!!  Brand new articles, a very special Drago-Effect podcast, completely revamped Banana page, and even some hilarious videos!

It’s going to be great, and we can’t wait to show it all to you!

Oh, and if you never hear from us again, it means they found more termites.

Rarely does such a serendipitously violent weekend come along. In fact, this weekend at the movies promises to be so enjoyable that I’ve been stunned into writer’s block.  All this Box Office Insider can say is: even though the numbers won’t reflect it, this is going to be a very good weekend. So catch the bus, ask your mom for a ride or (if you’re one of those little punks loitering outside my office) tumble in on your skateboard… just get yourself to the theater.

Seeing as how I can’t think of a single reason not to see 3:10 to Yuma or Shoot ‘Em Up — and I didn’t want to overuse my oh so favorite “you hate good things” line — I’ve created a little comparison list, so you can make an informed decision about which of these movies you’d like to pay for. Though — if you’ve got the stamina — I recommend both.

 Action

3:10 to Yuma: Packed with gun tottin’ of the wild west variety

Shoot ‘Em Up: Guns, guns and more guns, along with some acrobatic chase scenes

Stage Presence

3:10 to Yuma:  Action with Drama

Shoot ’Em Up: Action with Comedy

Heart of the Conflict

3:10 to Yuma:  Good vs. Evil, when a poor farmer volunteers to escort a notorious bandit to his train ride to justice 

Shoot ’Em Up: Good vs. Evil, when a nameless hero saves a woman and her child from a ruthless assassin

If Looks Could Kill

3:10 to Yuma: Hottie Christian Bale along with Russell Crowe (if that’s your sort of thing) and Gretchen Mol

Shoot ‘Em Up: Hottie Clive Owen along with Paul Giamatti (if that’s your sort of thing) and Monica Bellucci

I’m thinking that this could be a neck and neck type of weekend, with Yuma edging out Shoot ‘Em. You never know. (There may even be a few people who plan to see The Brothers Solomon on one of its 650 screens.) But both of these movies are jam packed with the violent action thrills that guys love, and both have enough dramatic tension and asthetically pleasing people to keep the girls happy. Good luck picking a favorite this all R-rated weekend… and happy watching.

Stolen blatantly from a here.

Still milking his injury,

XPostFacto

I’ve been in this business awhile so let me tell you something right here and now. There are no handouts in life. People aren’t just going to give you the keys to their Porsche and let you take it off some really sweet jumps. No, they’re going to want some sort of good or service before they let you try to jump those buses. Odds are, since you are reading this, you have neither of those things. That’s where you’re are wrong my friend! You have the one gift, bestowed by Jesus and Van Damme, that cures all wounds and pays all bills. I am, of course, talking about the gift of the dance.

This may surprise you but I haven’t paid for a meal since 1993. But how did I eat you ask? The answer is the dance. I discovered at a young age that if I dance people will not only applaud but also give me delicious delicious food. The real trick is picking the right dance for the right meal. Too often have I seen an amateur do a quick two step only to be upset when he/she is handed a granola bar in return. Being the benevolent soul that I am, I have come to help. Here’s a basic guide to get you started.

DANCE: Tap Dance

WHAT FOOD IT WILL GET YOU: A Sandwich

This goes back to the days of Shirley Temple. Story goes that Shirley was quite the aggressive dancer. Too aggressive in fact as tap dance related injuries on her movies were frequent. It soon became that her tap dancing was as feared as it was respected. After one particularly violent tap that left Mr. Bo Jangles with a minor concussion, studio heads decided it would be best to try and rein in Shirley Temples wild taping feet. A task as akin to trying to capture a bear in a butterfly net. The only way to slow her feet down was to tempt her with a delicious BLT. It worked and Hollywood history was made. These days it is customary to reward all tap dancing with sandwiches lest the dancer loose control and kill any passerby.

DANCE: The Waltz

WHAT FOOD IT WILL GET YOU: A Yogurt

I’m going to be blunt with this one. If you don’t want a Yogurt, then don’t Waltz. Find some other dance. Cause if there’s one thing people think you want when you waltz, it’s yogurt. This is because, like yogurt and it’s “I’m neither a solid nor a liquid” nature, the Waltz is an uncertain mish-mash of emotions. True, you’re dancing with a partner, so there’s some romantic tension there, but the Waltz is such a basic and boring dance that it feels more like a brother/sister team then two prospective lovers using vertical motion to express horizontal desire. As such it is only appropriate that you receive the most platonic of all foods the Yogurt, which is not quite a meal but slightly more than a hearty snack.

DANCE: The Electric Slide

WHAT FOOD IT WILL GET YOU: Some M&M’s

Note here I said some M&M’s. Not even an entire pack. This is no fault of your own I am sure that you do a wonderful Electric Slide. But to truly inspire awe in your food-purchasing audience with The Electric Slide you’re going to need a team of others to do it with you (anywhere upwards of 10 people). Now at first this might sound good. After all the more dancers the more elaborate the dance. But remember, you need to split any tips with your dancemates, and that includes foodstuffs. Now your average audience will be more than happy to buy you a steak if you’ve earned one. But 10 steaks? That’s pushing it. So usually they’ll just toss you a pack of candy or something. So be warned, this dance is definitely not for the extremely hungry.

DANCE: The Deadly Mubuhai Shuffle

WHAT FOOD IT WILL GET YOU: Anything you want

Outlawed in 1875, The Deadly Mubuhai Shuffle is the only dance known to cause instant death upon viewing. Now while we all enjoy a good murder charge now and then, dead people don’t give any food. Therefore, this is the only dance that actually recquires you not to perform any dancing. The mere threat of The Deadly Mubuhai Shuffle is enough to bring even the most frugal of food patrons to his/her knees. You will be free to make any food related demands you wish, be they an extravagant Fillet Mignon or a modest bowl of Crispix. The only catch is that you have to actually learn the Deadly Mubuhai Shuffle to make the threat worthwhile. I will remind you that it is with your own best interest in mind that you learn the dance in fragments to avoid any accidental death.

Now, remember dancing for food is not for amateurs. Please perform all dances at your own risk. But if you master these few dance routines you will soon be eating on easy street. And note, that while these are the accepted standard rates per dance, any food related giving is at the discretion of the audience. I have been known to receive Salmon for a simple soft shoe. And once I performed an elaborate rendition of Thriller only to receive a handful of Nilla Wafers. But as long as you keep at it and perfect and hone your craft, god willing, your stomach will soon be full.

-XPostFacto

Since the dawn of civilization epic tales have told of heroism, evil, justice and revenge. These are tales of great adventures, tales of morality, tales of the darkness present in every human soul. If you were thinking that any or all of the movies opening this weekend embody these ancient storytelling themes — then you’d be wrong — or right. Depending on how you look at it. The Box Office Insider explains why you should and should not be spending your money on movies this — the last official weekend of summer.

BALLS OF FURY

Stars: Dan Fogler, Christopher Walken, George Lopez Where: Quite a few funny towns nationwide Rated: PG-13

BOI’s first place reason to see Balls of Fury: Anything Christopher Walken feels worthy to waste his time on is good enough for me!

BOI’s bronze medal reason NOT to see Balls of Fury: Let’s see, basketball, baseball, football, soccer, youth hockey, Nascar racing and figure skating? Yeah… that pretty much covers all the slapstick sports comedies I need to see in my life… ever.

DEATH SENTENCE

Stars: Kevin Bacon, Kelly Preston, John Goodman Where: Several tough streets nationwide Rated: R

BOI’s armed and dangerous reason to see Death Sentence: Bacon with a baseball bat.

BOI’s no chance at parole reason NOT to see Death Sentence: Bacon with a shaved head.

HALLOWEEN

Stars: Malcolm McDowell, Tyler Mane, Scout Taylor-Compton Where: Plenty of too quiet neighborhoods nationwide Rated: R

BOI’s masked and murderous reason to see Halloween: You’re curious to see what Rob Zombie can do with this classically scary tale.

BOI’s better off in the insane asylum reason NOT to see Halloween: I’m sorry, I lost my calendar… What month is it again?

As Balls of Fury’s audience will most likely be tied up catching Superbad… Halloween has a shot to win the weekend… and it may even break $20 mil. Count on Mr. Bacon to come in dead last — pun very much intended. Happy watching and have a great holiday weekend.