Everything you wanted to know about the foods you know nothing about, but were too hungry to ask!
Reader beware, some of these facts – heavily researched and verified by Drago fact-checkers (unpaid, non-union interns) - may be hard to swallow!
Croutons
A crouton is a “small piece of sautéed or rebaked bread, often cubed and seasoned, used to add texture and flavour to salads”. Croutons are perhaps one of, if not the least respected garnish in the history of cusine. The lowest of the low, the crouton, examined in a hierarchical context, only but barely surpasses the crumb. If a crumb is the peasant of condiments, surely the crouton is nothing but a serf. This is largely confirmed in the fact that croutons by law cannot hold property deeds. Arguably, this serves more as a commentary on the state of property law, rather than the merits of this delicious salad ornament.
Parsnip
A parsnip and his man.
Parsnip! Parsnip! We all want Parsnip! The food of kings and men of artillery.
Parnsnips cannot be found in Arica, but do not tell this to the Africans.
Parsnips are often described as “carrots with jaundice”. This is ironic, given that jaundice was once thought to be inedible.
Sour Cream
Miserable by name, delicious by nature, sour cream was the reason for the invention of plastic. The term “sour cream” evolved from the misuse of curdled milk, a “sour scheme”.
Viva la revolucion!
Sour cream comprises 93% of the Eastern European diet and is also the lead cause of 94% of all Eastern European malnutrition related deaths. The South American “crema” is the latin equivalent and can be heard chanted from the streets during times of political unrest. Finally, sour cream containers have become the primary form of tupperware as preferred by 4 out of 5 East Indian households.
Melba Toast
Unlike the other foods on this list, melba toast has a quite uninteresting origin story. Created by a chef as an easily digestible food for an ailing opera singer with the stage name “Melba”, only the very old and sick now eat melba toast. So goes the saying “eat melba toast and die”. A very uninteresting story, but in one reporter’s opinion, so fascinating.
Corn
Referred to within academic circles as “maize”, a layman might ask: did the natives eat corn? A learned man would answer no; they built longhouses and developed tools for harvesting maize. Corn is commonly acknowledged as extremely important in global crop production and output, although no one actually knows why.
Waterworld!
Cornfields are highly supernatural, and are often the site of alien communications, crop circle sightings, and filming of the hit television series, “Supernatural”. They are the place where scarecrows mostly come to life, and also, where scarecrows come to die. Hollywood actor Kevin Costner once purchased a cornfield on a bad tip.
Raisins
Raisins are the oldest food in the world, or at least they look like it. During the 1980s a group of four young raisins came to life and took the R&B world by storm before tragically succumbing to drug addiction and moisture.
A raisin in the sun is worth two in the shade.
Pictured: California Raisin and fan.
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